I've come full circle.......emotionally

When a husband and wife decided to start a family you are all gun ho to start right way and in a strange way expect it too.  But for us, that was not the case.  After years of positive fertility tests and unsuccessful infertility treatments you are left with questions as to "why me/us?" and dealing with raw emotions that come and go in waves that appear to have no end in site.

Our next options were, stop and be a childless couple, invetro or adoption.  Two of the three options were guarantees and the other was not.  At that point we were done with it and was not willing to play the odds any more, as they were certainly not in our favor before.  So which one would it be, childless or adoption?

After hearing all those horror stories about adoptions going bad and birth families coming back into the picture and the child being taken away we had decided to be childless.  After all, we had our furbabies!

Then we had a conversation with our financial planner at the time and he had adopted.  He told us his story and encouraged us to "think about it."  We talked about it off and on but in our heads we had already decided "no."  But six months later, we both started wondering and thinking about adoption more and more until we decided to look into it.

Thus our journey to Tia had begun.  After we got all of our paperwork completed and sent to China it was again a waiting game.  Of course when we started the process in October of 2005 the "waiting" was only eight months long.  No one could of predicted that we would be "waiting" for over five years!

As the years came and went, your life is sort of on hold.  You try to live as normally as you can, but it's always in the back your mind - "will it ever happen?"  Of course we KNEW we were guaranteed a baby, it was just a matter of when.  Like the infertility, the emotions would come in waves, often without warning.

Then one day you get "the call" that you've been waiting for and dreaming of.  After years of dreaming how you're going to break the news to your families and friends is finally here and of course, it was not how it happened.  Am I disappointed?  No.  We told our family and friends and they were all over joyed and emotional with us!  And again your time is filled with with completing the travel paperwork and requirements, packing and making arrangements for your life while you're away from home. 

While you're waiting to travel you talk happily to friend and family about how excited you are.  But however excited I was, the insecurities that were in the back of every new parent's  mind while you're "waiting" slowly make their way to the forefront of your brain.  The most frequently asked one is "What am I doing?"  I still ask myself that and I think I always will.

It has now been over four months since we've gotten home with our precious baby girl.  Those months have seemed very long but at the same time have gone by fast.  She has made amazing strides in her adjustment to her new life and continues to amaze me every day.  What could a mother ask for??

Well for me it has been a long and emotional journey bonding with Tia. After years and years of waiting she was finally here.  But why was I still sad?  Why did have all of these emotions that hit me like a tidal wave without warning? 

Everyone would want to know "how happy I was to finally have her" and I would tell them what they wanted to hear, but deep down inside I wasn't. Deep down inside I was struggling emotionally.  I felt like I was drowning in a sea of emotion, wondering will I survive.

Don't get me wrong, I took care of Tia, but I just couldn't bond with her.  I was angry at her.  I resented her.  I didn't feel worthy of her.  I didn't even know if I liked her.  During our first home placement study update, our social worker asked "if we wanted to give her back" and it was in my mind to say "yes."  I would like to say I feel badly for thinking that, but I don't.  It was how I honestly felt, but I went against those feelings and said what my heart knew even though I didn't and that was "no."

I was ashamed of these feelings and felt like I couldn't tell anyone, even Sam.  But I was wrong.  I made mention of some "awful feelings and thoughts" to someone who has always been there.  I was sure she would tell me that there was something wrong with me as I suspected, but she didn't.  In fact she told me that I was "normal" and that she herself has had those thoughts with each one of her kids.  I felt better, but knew I wasn't out of the emotional woods yet.  I continued to struggle on and off for the next few months with each passing day getting better and better unbenonst to me.

Then one day, I couldn't even tell you which day it was, I realized that I had made it.  I was standing on the beech of the emotional sea I was drowning in.  With her unconditional love, this little bundle of joy helped me through the darkness I was feeling.  I don't feel the resentment or dislike or the unworthiness. I am no longer worried or scared that she'll be taken away from me.  I feel safe to say "my daughter."

Today, as I watch my daughter play in the kitchen, I am truly amazed how Blessed I am.  I look forward with joy to being her mother.  I am reminded how wonderful it is be her mother every time I change her diapers, sooth her when she's crying, laughing with her when we play and snuggling on the sofa.  But none more than when she smiles up at me as she wraps her arms around me and gives me a kiss! This little baby girl who was born in our hearts years and years ago has made my dreams come true and I have come full circle.

My very FIRST Mother's Day.....

My first Mother's Day was this year.  For the most part my day was good, however, Sam ALOT of room for improvement in his planning and execution.  That's all I'm going to say on that. 

The day was beautiful!  Tia helped me in my flower garden while Sam sprayed for spiders and ants.  After we got done with that, Tia and I both took naps and Sam washed my car. 

Later that evening we went to Debbie and Duane's for a Mother's Day BBQ with JoAnna and Chris's family and of course our mother.  We grilled burgers and hot dogs and sat around and visiting.  It was a good time.  After that we went to McDonald's for ice cream and to see Zachary as he was working.

All in all my first Mother's Day was good as I was surrounded by those I love!