When a husband and wife decided to start a family you are all gun ho to start right way and in a strange way expect it too. But for us, that was not the case. After years of positive fertility tests and unsuccessful infertility treatments you are left with questions as to "why me/us?" and dealing with raw emotions that come and go in waves that appear to have no end in site.
Our next options were, stop and be a childless couple, invetro or adoption. Two of the three options were guarantees and the other was not. At that point we were done with it and was not willing to play the odds any more, as they were certainly not in our favor before. So which one would it be, childless or adoption?
After hearing all those horror stories about adoptions going bad and birth families coming back into the picture and the child being taken away we had decided to be childless. After all, we had our furbabies!
Then we had a conversation with our financial planner at the time and he had adopted. He told us his story and encouraged us to "think about it." We talked about it off and on but in our heads we had already decided "no." But six months later, we both started wondering and thinking about adoption more and more until we decided to look into it.
Thus our journey to Tia had begun. After we got all of our paperwork completed and sent to China it was again a waiting game. Of course when we started the process in October of 2005 the "waiting" was only eight months long. No one could of predicted that we would be "waiting" for over five years!
As the years came and went, your life is sort of on hold. You try to live as normally as you can, but it's always in the back your mind - "will it ever happen?" Of course we KNEW we were guaranteed a baby, it was just a matter of when. Like the infertility, the emotions would come in waves, often without warning.
Then one day you get "the call" that you've been waiting for and dreaming of. After years of dreaming how you're going to break the news to your families and friends is finally here and of course, it was not how it happened. Am I disappointed? No. We told our family and friends and they were all over joyed and emotional with us! And again your time is filled with with completing the travel paperwork and requirements, packing and making arrangements for your life while you're away from home.
While you're waiting to travel you talk happily to friend and family about how excited you are. But however excited I was, the insecurities that were in the back of every new parent's mind while you're "waiting" slowly make their way to the forefront of your brain. The most frequently asked one is "What am I doing?" I still ask myself that and I think I always will.
It has now been over four months since we've gotten home with our precious baby girl. Those months have seemed very long but at the same time have gone by fast. She has made amazing strides in her adjustment to her new life and continues to amaze me every day. What could a mother ask for??
Well for me it has been a long and emotional journey bonding with Tia. After years and years of waiting she was finally here. But why was I still sad? Why did have all of these emotions that hit me like a tidal wave without warning?
Everyone would want to know "how happy I was to finally have her" and I would tell them what they wanted to hear, but deep down inside I wasn't. Deep down inside I was struggling emotionally. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of emotion, wondering will I survive.
Don't get me wrong, I took care of Tia, but I just couldn't bond with her. I was angry at her. I resented her. I didn't feel worthy of her. I didn't even know if I liked her. During our first home placement study update, our social worker asked "if we wanted to give her back" and it was in my mind to say "yes." I would like to say I feel badly for thinking that, but I don't. It was how I honestly felt, but I went against those feelings and said what my heart knew even though I didn't and that was "no."
I was ashamed of these feelings and felt like I couldn't tell anyone, even Sam. But I was wrong. I made mention of some "awful feelings and thoughts" to someone who has always been there. I was sure she would tell me that there was something wrong with me as I suspected, but she didn't. In fact she told me that I was "normal" and that she herself has had those thoughts with each one of her kids. I felt better, but knew I wasn't out of the emotional woods yet. I continued to struggle on and off for the next few months with each passing day getting better and better unbenonst to me.
Then one day, I couldn't even tell you which day it was, I realized that I had made it. I was standing on the beech of the emotional sea I was drowning in. With her unconditional love, this little bundle of joy helped me through the darkness I was feeling. I don't feel the resentment or dislike or the unworthiness. I am no longer worried or scared that she'll be taken away from me. I feel safe to say "my daughter."
Today, as I watch my daughter play in the kitchen, I am truly amazed how Blessed I am. I look forward with joy to being her mother. I am reminded how wonderful it is be her mother every time I change her diapers, sooth her when she's crying, laughing with her when we play and snuggling on the sofa. But none more than when she smiles up at me as she wraps her arms around me and gives me a kiss! This little baby girl who was born in our hearts years and years ago has made my dreams come true and I have come full circle.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
My very FIRST Mother's Day.....
My first Mother's Day was this year. For the most part my day was good, however, Sam ALOT of room for improvement in his planning and execution. That's all I'm going to say on that.
The day was beautiful! Tia helped me in my flower garden while Sam sprayed for spiders and ants. After we got done with that, Tia and I both took naps and Sam washed my car.
Later that evening we went to Debbie and Duane's for a Mother's Day BBQ with JoAnna and Chris's family and of course our mother. We grilled burgers and hot dogs and sat around and visiting. It was a good time. After that we went to McDonald's for ice cream and to see Zachary as he was working.
All in all my first Mother's Day was good as I was surrounded by those I love!
The day was beautiful! Tia helped me in my flower garden while Sam sprayed for spiders and ants. After we got done with that, Tia and I both took naps and Sam washed my car.
Later that evening we went to Debbie and Duane's for a Mother's Day BBQ with JoAnna and Chris's family and of course our mother. We grilled burgers and hot dogs and sat around and visiting. It was a good time. After that we went to McDonald's for ice cream and to see Zachary as he was working.
All in all my first Mother's Day was good as I was surrounded by those I love!
Monday, March 28, 2011
First FULL day at daycare, even though it's Grandma's
In 3 weeks I go back to work after being off since December 31, 2010. People kept telling me that the time will go by fast and I didn't think it would as I was going to be off for 109 days. But they were right it is going by fast. I have mixed emotions about it too. On one hand I don't want to go back to work as I do enjoy being home with Tia much more than I thought I would (I thought I'd be bored - NOT). But on the other hand I am looking forward to work,all my friends and bringing in a paycheck.
So Sam and I decided that it would be best to get Tia adjusted to being at daycare all day. Since he goes to work later in the morning than I, he would be getting her ready and taking her to Grandma's daycare and as I get off right at 5, I would be the one to pick her up. So the this week she's going 3 days, next week she'll go 4 days and the week after that she'll go 5 days.
At first I thought this was to get her adjusted, but now I am thinking it's more for me. I have been with her 24/7 since our Gotcha day (1/10/11). Don't get me wrong, I've had a few hours here and there, but never ever a entire day alone. I am feeling a little lost. Part of me is enjoying it and part of me is bored. What am I going to do all day? My house is reasonably cleaned and I don't have enough laundry to start. I do need to do the checkbook, but am totally dreading that - who doesn't?
I think I'm going to watch the last 4 weeks of Grey's Anatomy, relax and enjoy the day to myself. And like my mom said, if I miss Tia too much I can go in and pick her up whenever I want. But for now's she's enjoying playing with the other daycare kids and is building a stronger bond with Grandma everytime they're together and that's improtant too!
So Sam and I decided that it would be best to get Tia adjusted to being at daycare all day. Since he goes to work later in the morning than I, he would be getting her ready and taking her to Grandma's daycare and as I get off right at 5, I would be the one to pick her up. So the this week she's going 3 days, next week she'll go 4 days and the week after that she'll go 5 days.
At first I thought this was to get her adjusted, but now I am thinking it's more for me. I have been with her 24/7 since our Gotcha day (1/10/11). Don't get me wrong, I've had a few hours here and there, but never ever a entire day alone. I am feeling a little lost. Part of me is enjoying it and part of me is bored. What am I going to do all day? My house is reasonably cleaned and I don't have enough laundry to start. I do need to do the checkbook, but am totally dreading that - who doesn't?
I think I'm going to watch the last 4 weeks of Grey's Anatomy, relax and enjoy the day to myself. And like my mom said, if I miss Tia too much I can go in and pick her up whenever I want. But for now's she's enjoying playing with the other daycare kids and is building a stronger bond with Grandma everytime they're together and that's improtant too!
Monday, March 14, 2011
What a difference a day makes... or a month!
Life in the Wellman house is settling into a nice normal routine. Everything is falling into place beautifully! Thank goodness too!
The little bundle of joy who clung desperately to my leg crying like there was no tomorrow is off and running around and trashing every square inch of the house! It's absolutely wonderful!!
She's jabbering up a storm and can say "dadda" and "momma" clearly and is so funny to listen to when she's giving Bandit and Sadie the "what fore" when they bark and it doesn't matter if they are outside or inside!
She is doing well with the pups and is learning to "fend them off" when she's walking around with or without food or her milk cup. For the most part the pups do well, but there are days when all three (Tia, Bandit & Sadie) are just "at each other."
The poor kitties are never safe from her! Kacie, our Siamese, doesn't like her at all and stays in high places to avoid her. Kalie, our Calico, is more laid back and doesn't mind her too much. However, that doesn't go without saying that Kalie hasn't had her fill of her either and lets her know it but that doesn't seem to stop Tia!
Because my maternity leave is during winter, we've not been outside often. However, the few times it's been warm enough to go out Tia has really enjoyed it! When you let the pups in or out, you have to watch for her as she runs towards the door! We feel that she's going to be an "outside" baby and that brings us much joy, especially for Sam!
One of the other things that Tia "runs" to is the bath! She can be anywhere in the house and the minute she hears the water in the bathtub running she's right there! She LOVES the bath or "swimming" as my 3 yr old niece, Abby calls it!
We actually took Tia to the Swim Center yesterday for the very first time. At first she didn't understand that it was OK for her to stand in the pool so she would just sit. For the first half hour or so she just wanted to sit between mommy or daddy's legs. After a while she got braver and wanted to walk around.
We went in the deeper end and I was holding her on her belly and she was just kicking her legs like there was no tomorrow! It was just so incredibly fun! She had so much fun playing in the water, going up and down the stairs (while holding mommy or daddy's hands) in the kiddie area and walking the pool. We all had such a GREAT time!!
There isn't an inch of this house that hasn't been trashed by Tia! She has discovered mommy and daddy's bedroom closet and so now we have an assortment of shoes as well at measuring cups, spoons and sippy cup lids mixed in with the numerous toys that are scattered throughout the house. And you know what? I don't care, I'm loving every minute of it!!
Parenthood brings a-lot of changes. The one thing that I hope never changes is that Tia still loves to cuddle. Especially when she wakes up and when she's getting tired. I love that throughout the day she'll come to either or both of us for a little "loving" and then is off again to play. My mom tells me I was like that too. At the end of the day when I'm snuggling with her in the glide rocker, I think how Blessed and lucky we are to have trusted in God's plan for us. And even though it took more than 5 years to get her, she was worth the long and emotional wait!
The little bundle of joy who clung desperately to my leg crying like there was no tomorrow is off and running around and trashing every square inch of the house! It's absolutely wonderful!!
She's jabbering up a storm and can say "dadda" and "momma" clearly and is so funny to listen to when she's giving Bandit and Sadie the "what fore" when they bark and it doesn't matter if they are outside or inside!
She is doing well with the pups and is learning to "fend them off" when she's walking around with or without food or her milk cup. For the most part the pups do well, but there are days when all three (Tia, Bandit & Sadie) are just "at each other."
The poor kitties are never safe from her! Kacie, our Siamese, doesn't like her at all and stays in high places to avoid her. Kalie, our Calico, is more laid back and doesn't mind her too much. However, that doesn't go without saying that Kalie hasn't had her fill of her either and lets her know it but that doesn't seem to stop Tia!
Because my maternity leave is during winter, we've not been outside often. However, the few times it's been warm enough to go out Tia has really enjoyed it! When you let the pups in or out, you have to watch for her as she runs towards the door! We feel that she's going to be an "outside" baby and that brings us much joy, especially for Sam!
One of the other things that Tia "runs" to is the bath! She can be anywhere in the house and the minute she hears the water in the bathtub running she's right there! She LOVES the bath or "swimming" as my 3 yr old niece, Abby calls it!
We actually took Tia to the Swim Center yesterday for the very first time. At first she didn't understand that it was OK for her to stand in the pool so she would just sit. For the first half hour or so she just wanted to sit between mommy or daddy's legs. After a while she got braver and wanted to walk around.
We went in the deeper end and I was holding her on her belly and she was just kicking her legs like there was no tomorrow! It was just so incredibly fun! She had so much fun playing in the water, going up and down the stairs (while holding mommy or daddy's hands) in the kiddie area and walking the pool. We all had such a GREAT time!!
There isn't an inch of this house that hasn't been trashed by Tia! She has discovered mommy and daddy's bedroom closet and so now we have an assortment of shoes as well at measuring cups, spoons and sippy cup lids mixed in with the numerous toys that are scattered throughout the house. And you know what? I don't care, I'm loving every minute of it!!
Parenthood brings a-lot of changes. The one thing that I hope never changes is that Tia still loves to cuddle. Especially when she wakes up and when she's getting tired. I love that throughout the day she'll come to either or both of us for a little "loving" and then is off again to play. My mom tells me I was like that too. At the end of the day when I'm snuggling with her in the glide rocker, I think how Blessed and lucky we are to have trusted in God's plan for us. And even though it took more than 5 years to get her, she was worth the long and emotional wait!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
OMG, Friday was AWESOME!!!
Yesterday started out like every other day since we've gotten home from China. Tia woke up, fed her breakfast, cleaned her up and got her dressed. And as usual she was crying and clinging to my legs like there was no tomorrow as I was cleaning up the kitchen.
Then she stopped. I watched her walk a few steps to the dishwasher and start playing the magnetic farm toy that her Aunt Debbie, Uncle Duane her cousins gave her for her first birthday last Saturday. She started jabbering away and I continued on with cleaning the kitchen.
Then she moved into the living room and started pulling the movies off of the shelf. Then she walked over to the pantry and realized that she could pull the food out too! So I had about 50 movies and food scattered all over my living room and kitchen.
Throughout the day I was doing some housework and she was wondering around the house just jabbering away and just having a grand 'ol time. She was chasing the cats and then the dogs. She was doing "laps" from the kitchen to the living room, to her bedroom, bathroom and then back to the living room. Later we walked down to my sister's house so she could play with her cousin Abby (she's 3).
After we got home I started preparing her dinner. Like usual she was crying because I had put her down so I could do something. She would usually cry for about 5-10 minutes and then that would be it. But not last night.
I am not sure what made her so mad, but she had decided to throw a good 'ol fashion tantrum. I mean, threw herself on the floor kicking and screaming. I had never seen her do this before so I was totally surprised. But I just continued on with dinner, after all it wasn't going to make itself as daddy was closing and wouldn't be home until 10 pm.
When dinner was finally ready I picked her up, crying and tantrum instantly stops and I place her in her highcahir. As I was feeding her her dinner, she was back to her normal self, jabbering away and waving at me. After we get all cleaned up from dinner and get into our pj's she's just tooling around the house, pulling down more movies and giving the fur-babies a run for the their money - again or maybe it should be still?
As the night wheres on she's starting to get fussy and rubbing her eyes. I grab her blanket and we rock for a few minutes before I put her down to bed for the night. While I'm rocking her, I realized what a incredibly awesome day we had. It was a day that I always dreamed of.
There were several milestones yesterday. Tia feeling comfortable and safe in her environment to "run around the house" like I hoped and prayed for. Everyday she's showing such huge improvements with her adjustment to her new life.
But the thing I'm most proud of is me and the fact that her crying and tantrum didn't bother me like they did before. As she laid on the floor throwing her tantrum, I just talked to her and continued on with I needed to get done without losing it.
For the first time since we've had Tia, I felt like a real mother. It is an incredible feeling!
Then she stopped. I watched her walk a few steps to the dishwasher and start playing the magnetic farm toy that her Aunt Debbie, Uncle Duane her cousins gave her for her first birthday last Saturday. She started jabbering away and I continued on with cleaning the kitchen.
Then she moved into the living room and started pulling the movies off of the shelf. Then she walked over to the pantry and realized that she could pull the food out too! So I had about 50 movies and food scattered all over my living room and kitchen.
Throughout the day I was doing some housework and she was wondering around the house just jabbering away and just having a grand 'ol time. She was chasing the cats and then the dogs. She was doing "laps" from the kitchen to the living room, to her bedroom, bathroom and then back to the living room. Later we walked down to my sister's house so she could play with her cousin Abby (she's 3).
After we got home I started preparing her dinner. Like usual she was crying because I had put her down so I could do something. She would usually cry for about 5-10 minutes and then that would be it. But not last night.
I am not sure what made her so mad, but she had decided to throw a good 'ol fashion tantrum. I mean, threw herself on the floor kicking and screaming. I had never seen her do this before so I was totally surprised. But I just continued on with dinner, after all it wasn't going to make itself as daddy was closing and wouldn't be home until 10 pm.
When dinner was finally ready I picked her up, crying and tantrum instantly stops and I place her in her highcahir. As I was feeding her her dinner, she was back to her normal self, jabbering away and waving at me. After we get all cleaned up from dinner and get into our pj's she's just tooling around the house, pulling down more movies and giving the fur-babies a run for the their money - again or maybe it should be still?
As the night wheres on she's starting to get fussy and rubbing her eyes. I grab her blanket and we rock for a few minutes before I put her down to bed for the night. While I'm rocking her, I realized what a incredibly awesome day we had. It was a day that I always dreamed of.
There were several milestones yesterday. Tia feeling comfortable and safe in her environment to "run around the house" like I hoped and prayed for. Everyday she's showing such huge improvements with her adjustment to her new life.
But the thing I'm most proud of is me and the fact that her crying and tantrum didn't bother me like they did before. As she laid on the floor throwing her tantrum, I just talked to her and continued on with I needed to get done without losing it.
For the first time since we've had Tia, I felt like a real mother. It is an incredible feeling!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
OMG, we REALLY are PARENTS!
When we FINALLY landed in Rapid City on January 21 we were greeted by a homemade banner, balloons and roses from my wonderful family! There were many emotions flowing at that time in addition to tears. For 3 weeks there was no contact and for me, that was very hard! I am the type of person who has to talk (and talk and talk and talk) to at least one member of my family almost daily, whether it be by text, phone, e-mail or in person. Words cannot express how GREAT is to be HOME with friends and family!
While were in China we got to see some amazing sites like the Great Wall, The Forbidden City, Tienanmen Square and a jade and silk factory with other families who were also there adopting through Holt. As an extra treat to ourselves we went to a Chinese acrobatics show. Our hotel room was a corner room on the 15th floor. Beijing was gearing up for their Christmas and Chinese New Year so the city street was lined with blue lights at night it was just beautiful view from our room! The breakfast buffet was mouth watering to say the least! Just anything you could think of was there and was delicious!!
In addition to us, there were seven other families flying into Guangzhou on January 9. All of us would be meeting our babies the next day at 2 pm. There was a mixture of parents who were adopting again and first time parents. These amazing people become your "family" through adoption. Together we will be completing our adoption journey together.
After we got checked into our room and was all situated, I started freaking out. What am I doing? Can I do this? What if she doesn't bond with us? These were just a few of the questions racing around in my mind. Thank goodness there were others there who felt the same and some of them are parents already to either adopted and or biological children. That was comforting to know that I wasn't alone.
On the "GOTCHA DAY" I was surprisingly calm. When we finally got to the 8th floor of the Chinese Civil Affairs Building with our group, it was complete chaos! In previous videos we saw some sort of order but that was not the case. We did get video of our "GOTCHA DAY" moment but it wasn't as we had imagined it to be. But the video footage we did get was the IMPORTANT part - the hand off!!
Tia.... She is what the Chinese call "spicy" and she is that for sure! She has eight teeth (and working on cutting her back moellers), lots of hair and always has a big loving smile on her face! Even after she wakes up too! She was just learning to walk and it wasn't long before she was tearing up the hotel room! And like her mother, she's always chabbering away!
Since we all bonded so well in China, I HONESTLY thought everything would be the same when we got home as it was in China. Um, yea, NOT! I mean we are still bonded, but the house is not the hotel room. The hotel room didn't have 2 mini beagles who follow her every move or her own room with a much nicer and cushier bed. Home has all these new smells, new rooms and new people who are suddenly there wanting to hold and kiss on her. Something I'm sure she's not used to.
Home for me has also been a challenge. We all came home sick, me being the sickest. So you combine that with jet lag, hormones and lack of sleep you have a lovely combination for an emotional breakdown. Which I did end up having, in the car on the way home from the phamacy. It was definately long over due. I did feel better afterwards, but still......
We knew parenting would be hard. We knew it would change our life as we knew it. And we were accepting of that after 10 years of marriage (in July) and years and years and years of trying and finally waiting. But what we didn't know was how much of a change it would be. First time parents really just don't know or realize the change and there is no way of preparing for the reality of it. Of course we've babysat for my sisters and my mom does run a daycare, but these kids could be "sent home" when you had your fill. This is just not the case!
Then there are all the emotional fears and thoughts running through your head and the questioning of EVERYTHING. I am constantly texting my sister and asking her "what should I do" questions. And now with Sam back to work and it's just me, Tia and the fur-babies. I feel bad because I'm constantly getting on Sadie's case to quit licking Tia or Bandit to quit stealing her cracker. My poor fur-babies are constantly getting scolded and then Tia is constantly at my feet crying to be held. I pick her up she stops crying. After a few minutes, I put her down and she starts bawling. Up down, up down, up down and scold, scold and scold is all I do. Don't get me wrong, I love holding my daughter and my fur-babies, but I can't get anything done.
So that leads me to the subject of setting up routines. Which, by the way we are still struggling with! We've agreed on a bedtime and are very happy with the desicion we've agreed to. But now we're stuggling with naps. Should she take one and if so how often and how long? In the orphanage she took an 1 1/2 nap twice a day. In the hotel she did take an hour or two long naps, but since we've gotten home she hasn't. She's taken a few little "power naps" but nothing of great length.
Our daughter "fights" to stay awake. My sisters kids did the same thing too. But I am thinking that Tia is more determined as she will "nod off" while fighting to stay awake by crying. This is a daily thing. And once she does fall asleep, whether it's in your arms or on the floor when you pick her up to put her to bed she wakes up and it starts all over again. It breaks our heart! But we just kiss her good night and turn her cd player on and close the door behind us.
Once she does go to sleep, she sleeps through the night. A good sign we've noticed is that she's not "self soothing" herself as often as she did in China. In fact, I've not heard her do that in more than a week. So that has to say something! Right?
In China we met many wonderful people who now are friends. And although we are all scattered throughout the US, I hope we'll stay in contact with each other as we all understand what it took to get our babies and what it's taking to raise them!
While were in China we got to see some amazing sites like the Great Wall, The Forbidden City, Tienanmen Square and a jade and silk factory with other families who were also there adopting through Holt. As an extra treat to ourselves we went to a Chinese acrobatics show. Our hotel room was a corner room on the 15th floor. Beijing was gearing up for their Christmas and Chinese New Year so the city street was lined with blue lights at night it was just beautiful view from our room! The breakfast buffet was mouth watering to say the least! Just anything you could think of was there and was delicious!!
In addition to us, there were seven other families flying into Guangzhou on January 9. All of us would be meeting our babies the next day at 2 pm. There was a mixture of parents who were adopting again and first time parents. These amazing people become your "family" through adoption. Together we will be completing our adoption journey together.
After we got checked into our room and was all situated, I started freaking out. What am I doing? Can I do this? What if she doesn't bond with us? These were just a few of the questions racing around in my mind. Thank goodness there were others there who felt the same and some of them are parents already to either adopted and or biological children. That was comforting to know that I wasn't alone.
On the "GOTCHA DAY" I was surprisingly calm. When we finally got to the 8th floor of the Chinese Civil Affairs Building with our group, it was complete chaos! In previous videos we saw some sort of order but that was not the case. We did get video of our "GOTCHA DAY" moment but it wasn't as we had imagined it to be. But the video footage we did get was the IMPORTANT part - the hand off!!
Tia.... She is what the Chinese call "spicy" and she is that for sure! She has eight teeth (and working on cutting her back moellers), lots of hair and always has a big loving smile on her face! Even after she wakes up too! She was just learning to walk and it wasn't long before she was tearing up the hotel room! And like her mother, she's always chabbering away!
Since we all bonded so well in China, I HONESTLY thought everything would be the same when we got home as it was in China. Um, yea, NOT! I mean we are still bonded, but the house is not the hotel room. The hotel room didn't have 2 mini beagles who follow her every move or her own room with a much nicer and cushier bed. Home has all these new smells, new rooms and new people who are suddenly there wanting to hold and kiss on her. Something I'm sure she's not used to.
Home for me has also been a challenge. We all came home sick, me being the sickest. So you combine that with jet lag, hormones and lack of sleep you have a lovely combination for an emotional breakdown. Which I did end up having, in the car on the way home from the phamacy. It was definately long over due. I did feel better afterwards, but still......
We knew parenting would be hard. We knew it would change our life as we knew it. And we were accepting of that after 10 years of marriage (in July) and years and years and years of trying and finally waiting. But what we didn't know was how much of a change it would be. First time parents really just don't know or realize the change and there is no way of preparing for the reality of it. Of course we've babysat for my sisters and my mom does run a daycare, but these kids could be "sent home" when you had your fill. This is just not the case!
Then there are all the emotional fears and thoughts running through your head and the questioning of EVERYTHING. I am constantly texting my sister and asking her "what should I do" questions. And now with Sam back to work and it's just me, Tia and the fur-babies. I feel bad because I'm constantly getting on Sadie's case to quit licking Tia or Bandit to quit stealing her cracker. My poor fur-babies are constantly getting scolded and then Tia is constantly at my feet crying to be held. I pick her up she stops crying. After a few minutes, I put her down and she starts bawling. Up down, up down, up down and scold, scold and scold is all I do. Don't get me wrong, I love holding my daughter and my fur-babies, but I can't get anything done.
So that leads me to the subject of setting up routines. Which, by the way we are still struggling with! We've agreed on a bedtime and are very happy with the desicion we've agreed to. But now we're stuggling with naps. Should she take one and if so how often and how long? In the orphanage she took an 1 1/2 nap twice a day. In the hotel she did take an hour or two long naps, but since we've gotten home she hasn't. She's taken a few little "power naps" but nothing of great length.
Our daughter "fights" to stay awake. My sisters kids did the same thing too. But I am thinking that Tia is more determined as she will "nod off" while fighting to stay awake by crying. This is a daily thing. And once she does fall asleep, whether it's in your arms or on the floor when you pick her up to put her to bed she wakes up and it starts all over again. It breaks our heart! But we just kiss her good night and turn her cd player on and close the door behind us.
Once she does go to sleep, she sleeps through the night. A good sign we've noticed is that she's not "self soothing" herself as often as she did in China. In fact, I've not heard her do that in more than a week. So that has to say something! Right?
In China we met many wonderful people who now are friends. And although we are all scattered throughout the US, I hope we'll stay in contact with each other as we all understand what it took to get our babies and what it's taking to raise them!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
OK got some things done, but not everything...
Oh what a Merry Christmas is was!! Santa was very good to us and we are very happy to have spent another wonderful, safe and magical holiday with our family! I've done alot and not sure where to begin....
Well last Sunday my sister came over and helped me pack Tia's suite case. Turns out I had a pretty good layout of what to take, just tweaked a few things. Then I remembered that I didn't pack bibs or a hairbrush/comb for her so I fixed that.
Nursery completed.
I bought the gifts for the orphanage - 2 outfits and some meds.
I got the paperwork all completed and organized.
As Sam and I sit down and talk about the most exciting changes that we are about to embark on, we come up with more and more questions. How should we pack our carry on bags? Should I pack mine, like I would if Tia was already with me? Do we really want to make extra copies of our paperwork (worried about lost luggage)? Do the airlines include the suitcase handles in their measurements?? And then there is the whole confusion of paying fees for checked baggage.....
So with all of these questions, we've decided to take our suitcase as is to the airport as it's just a few miles from our house and have them weigh it and then we'll pick the airlines brain! Problem solved!! Now, just finding time to do that......
I have 4 days left of work until I'm officially on maternity leave. I am so Blessed to have the honor to work for a company/firm that is allowing me the amount of time off that I'm taking. I couldn't of asked for a more awesome place to work for and really can't see myself working anywhere else! But it still hasn't really hit me yet that we're leaving in 2 weeks. However, we are getting more and more excited with every passing day!!
For me, there was a period of utter fear of "WTF am I/we doing??" I am assured that this is completely normal whether you're pregnant or adopting. This made me feel better but still wasn't quite convinced. Then I don't know what happened. I was having a daydream of Tia and her being upset about something and she's crying for me. I'm at her side in a heartbeat and soothing her tears. In that moment, a sense of peace and calmness came over me.
Of course I know that I will be doubting myself and have a fear or worry as we are raising her, but I know that will be a different kind of emotion than what I was feeling before.
But now I feel total and utter peace and calmness in my journey to becoming a mother for the very first time. I have totally love and excitement in the joy she'll bring to us and our families. I really can't put into words what I'm feeling, but I'm sure you all know what I mean.
Right now in this moment, I look to enjoy the last few weeks of just being a wife to my darling husband. We are looking forward of celebrating our last New Year's Eve together ending the year of 2010 as it started - just us.
This journey has taught me many, many things. Patience. Those who know me well, will agree with me that I am not a patient person. I want it done when I want it done. But this journey has taught me to have patience because it didn't happen when I wanted it to. But now I'm realizing that is the joy of life! The joy of God and his precious plan for us.
Well last Sunday my sister came over and helped me pack Tia's suite case. Turns out I had a pretty good layout of what to take, just tweaked a few things. Then I remembered that I didn't pack bibs or a hairbrush/comb for her so I fixed that.
Nursery completed.
I bought the gifts for the orphanage - 2 outfits and some meds.
I got the paperwork all completed and organized.
As Sam and I sit down and talk about the most exciting changes that we are about to embark on, we come up with more and more questions. How should we pack our carry on bags? Should I pack mine, like I would if Tia was already with me? Do we really want to make extra copies of our paperwork (worried about lost luggage)? Do the airlines include the suitcase handles in their measurements?? And then there is the whole confusion of paying fees for checked baggage.....
So with all of these questions, we've decided to take our suitcase as is to the airport as it's just a few miles from our house and have them weigh it and then we'll pick the airlines brain! Problem solved!! Now, just finding time to do that......
I have 4 days left of work until I'm officially on maternity leave. I am so Blessed to have the honor to work for a company/firm that is allowing me the amount of time off that I'm taking. I couldn't of asked for a more awesome place to work for and really can't see myself working anywhere else! But it still hasn't really hit me yet that we're leaving in 2 weeks. However, we are getting more and more excited with every passing day!!
For me, there was a period of utter fear of "WTF am I/we doing??" I am assured that this is completely normal whether you're pregnant or adopting. This made me feel better but still wasn't quite convinced. Then I don't know what happened. I was having a daydream of Tia and her being upset about something and she's crying for me. I'm at her side in a heartbeat and soothing her tears. In that moment, a sense of peace and calmness came over me.
Of course I know that I will be doubting myself and have a fear or worry as we are raising her, but I know that will be a different kind of emotion than what I was feeling before.
But now I feel total and utter peace and calmness in my journey to becoming a mother for the very first time. I have totally love and excitement in the joy she'll bring to us and our families. I really can't put into words what I'm feeling, but I'm sure you all know what I mean.
Right now in this moment, I look to enjoy the last few weeks of just being a wife to my darling husband. We are looking forward of celebrating our last New Year's Eve together ending the year of 2010 as it started - just us.
This journey has taught me many, many things. Patience. Those who know me well, will agree with me that I am not a patient person. I want it done when I want it done. But this journey has taught me to have patience because it didn't happen when I wanted it to. But now I'm realizing that is the joy of life! The joy of God and his precious plan for us.
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